Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
