Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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