so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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