in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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