my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
