do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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