you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
