I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
