I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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