He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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