I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
