apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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