My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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