I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
