Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
