1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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