I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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