i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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