Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
