Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
