I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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