The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
