Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
