Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
