i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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