don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
