My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
