I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize