you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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