hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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