guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize