Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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