I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
