can u get pink eye on your cock?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
