and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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