Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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