if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
