I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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