I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
