Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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