Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
