Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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