shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
