why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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