dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
