i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
