My boss' voice literally gives me gas
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
