If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize