either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
