So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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