How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
