No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
