i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm always down for nudity.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
