1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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