Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
